Just seeing the word sex can curve your lips up into a smile. There’s hot sex, freaky sex, casual sex, makeup sex, routine sex, angry sex, etc. But the best sex is when minds and bodies connect in rapture - the point of no return - when sex evolves into intimacy. The carnal knowledge combined with a spiritual reckoning and presence of mind.
We strive to reach that turning point where savage wants transcend to ‘you are mine.’ Great sex is an out-of-body and in-your-mind experience. Sex is saturated in chemistry. So, what happens when your brain chemistry runs on a different circuit with ADHD?
What Is ADHD
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is often thought of as something only children suffer through, leaving thousands of adults undiagnosed. ADHD is a neurological condition that causes lack of focus, impulsivity, hyperactivity, and lack of focus. Undiagnosed adults who have ADHD may wonder why they have:
Poor work performance
The root of these challenges stems from the lack of self-discipline and concentrated presence of mind that ADHD directly affects. The impulsive nature and lack of focus make it difficult for someone to be emotionally present and forever distracted.
Have you ever been driving and arrived at your destination, not remembering the details of exactly how you got there because you were daydreaming and running on autopilot? That is the distraction level of an adult with ADHD; sometimes, friends, family, and coworkers are the song playing on the radio that the driver didn’t hear while on autopilot. There is a disconnect.
When it comes to sex, ADHD adults have their challenges, but ADHD comes with some perks and a high-flying naughty flag. Before we roll through some of the challenges, let’s highlight those sexy superpowers.
ADHD Sex Superpowers & The Hot Stuff
A famous saying is ‘Every girl is a freak. It just takes the right guy to bring it out of her’. Adults with ADHD naturally wear their freak on the outside without the need for a ‘find it & bring it forth’ mission.
Superpower #1 - Impulsivity
Impulsive behaviors lead to explosive sex in the arenas of fantasy, fetishes, imagination, pioneering creative ideas, unpredictability, and being uninhibited in the unbridled pursuit of personal gratification. Ooh-la-la.
ADHD adults’ brains are wired to need adrenaline-pumping stimulation with a heavy dose of risk-taking behavior. The ideal partner will be their biggest fan and accomplice. The epitome of Bonnie & Clyde. A partner that is sexually reserved, conservative, or requires a lot of attention in the relationship will be promptly chewed up and spit out—just being honest. Sex and images of sex (porn) fire off hormones to reward and pleasure centers in our brain. Reward and pleasure are central to impulse behavior.
Sex chemistry is a cocktail of:
Dopamine-released when we do things that feel good
Norepinephrine-released during attraction
Oxytocin-the cuddle hormone released during sex
Melatonin-the calming post-sex euphoria
After this sex cocktail, we get tired and want to doze off, tucked in the blanket of bliss and contentment. Adults with ADHD are particularly addicted to this cocktail because ADHD brains have lower levels of:
Impulsive behavior gets the juices flowing. Porn plays a big part in this because sex is 90% imagery and fantasy (shocking, right?). The imagery keeps things interesting, especially to people that have challenges in being mentally present. Even without ADHD challenges, fantasies are more prominent in women. Maybe it's better not to get in our heads, fellas.
Fantasy storytelling is high up on the sex food chain. Whispering imagery in your partner’s ear to tease them at work or during the act itself is uber-hawt and amplifies the experience. If you aren’t a great storyteller, there are explicit podcasts--try playing one.
Superpower #2 - Hypersexuality
I love my sayings--’ Men think they want a lot of sex until they meet a girl that really does.’ ADHD has been connected with hypersexuality.
Hypersexuality is a phenomenally high sex drive caused by the overwhelming need to drink the sex cocktail. It is addictive and somewhat debilitating. The need gravitates somewhere between sex addict and worship as ADHD seeks out the cocktails calming effects.
A restrictive partner in an ADHD relationship will not bode well. Providing access to porn, toys, and maybe even an open relationship is ideal. It takes a large amount of security, patience, and understanding to sustain these relationships, but the rewards can far outweigh the obstacles.
Most of the world has problems keeping their sex drive switched on after marriage and kids. Hypersexual people don't have that issue which can act as a stimulant for their partner. Having a healthy sex life comes with several benefits, such as:
Lowers Stress - the sex cocktail positively impacts our physical & emotional health. Sex is a stress reliever because it regulates Cortisol, the stress hormone, and relieves anxiety.
Lowers Blood Pressure - Penetration sex lowered both men’s and womens’ blood pressure better than other methods per a study from the Journal of Biological Psychology.
Semen Is A Buffer Against Depression - Semen has been proven to improve mental health, according to a University at Albany study. Unprotected sex, contact with semen eases depression. Do be mindful of safety with multiple partners, please; the world has enough epidemics.
Heightened Brain Activity - Orgasms increase brain activity for both men and women. It makes sense with the flood of chemistry that occurs. We can reach a higher plane of thinking--at least for a few minutes. The extra blood flow to the cerebellum helps guys with ‘emotional processing.’ When you have one of those fights where he doesn’t understand what’s going on, have sex with him and give him some enlightenment.
Increased Memory Function - Australian researchers found that sex improves memory performance. As we get older, memories fade. So, sex does keep you young.
Improved Cognitive Abilities - Adults who engage in frequent sex exhibit a more significant deal of verbal fluency, judge space between objects, language skills, recall, and nervous tissue growth in the hippocampus. Hippocampus is the part of your brain that controls emotions, memory, and the nervous system.
Think of an ADHD partner as your trainer for your sexual fitness. Don’t get me wrong, some of the superpowers listed here come with their challenges. I put them in the superpower category because it's hot, and it's my blog.
I am not a professional and can do these things. I believe that the right partner can leave the ADHD adult feeling more sexually satisfied and personally fulfilled, which leads to sexual wellness.
The road to sexual wellness lies in knowing what you are dealing with, self-awareness, and being equipped to handle these difficulties. I am not making light; I am highlighting--there is a difference. To balance out superpowers, there are always super villains, and ADHD is no different.
ADHD Sex Villians - The Not So Hot Stuff
With one extreme of hypersexuality, the other is hyposexuality. Hyposexuality is not having the desire to have sex. ADHD adults may be too distracted to enjoy the act, or the prescription drugs are acting as an efficient cockblocker.
Villain #1 -- Hyposexuality
ADHD adults have problems focusing and keeping their minds in the present. Sex takes a certain amount of concentration. If your mind is fluttering from one thing to the next, it is impossible to connect. Sex is just another fleeting distraction that compromises intimacy and cancels fun for the partner and desire for you.
Another side effect to this is hypersensitivity. True, experiencing high sensitivity to physical sensations can make for a reactive, responsive partner--it can also make the situation uncomfortable or painful. This reaction will effectively plummet a sex drive.
Hypersensitivity isn’t just limited to touch. Certain smells and tastes can overwhelm ADHD adults and increase the distraction, making them unable to participate in the present. Desire and focus can dwindle, which means it is less likely to reach climax.
Villain #2 - No ‘O’ Face
Orgasms in ADHD women are more unattainable than in men because most women need to achieve relaxation or presence of mind for orgasm. Medications used in ADHD treatment cause the majority of villains in the bedroom.
If you find you are seeing more villains than sexual demons playing in your sex life, it may be time to speak to your doctor about switching up your medications. As we discovered above, a robust sexual appetite is beneficial to your health--and sanity.
The Happily Ever After
If you are a partner in an ADHD relationship, communication will be the key to your survival. That is the ticket in most relationships. You must create an environment encouraging you and your partner to express your needs and deal-breakers earlier on in the relationship.
Good communication sets a solid foundation to avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It can also develop mood. If your lover is hypersensitive, the last thing you want to do is fill the house with scented candles that trigger your partner. You won’t get none, son.
Communication is just a bunch of truths and courtesies exchanged between people of their likes and dislikes. There is a learning curve, and recognizing that fact will save a lot of heartache and rejection. In those conversations, you will get to know your partner and your boundaries. This is a clue on how to keep it spicy.
Variety and creativity are crucial elements in an ADHD relationship. I strongly suggest role-playing. Pretend to ‘meet for the first time’ and hook up at various locations. There is something to be said about hotel rooms and elevators. Seduce your lover--daily.
Go sex toy shopping and watch different kinds of porn together. Fly solo and let your partner watch but not touch. Bet each other sexual favors or fantasies while playing video games, pool, darts, or board games.
Play with each other. Introduce new things into your play without pressure just to see what will happen. You may be pleasantly surprised. In that play, you could immerse yourselves in practices that help keep you in the moment.
The presence of mind can be encouraged with mindfulness or yoga. Let’s keep it fun--naked yoga. Anything that pulls your attention to a center. This is a mental and physical awareness moment to touch base with yourself and block out distractions. Try for a few minutes each day. It will become easier to recall this quiet place when you feel yourself spiraling or losing focus.
Practicing patience and knowing an ADHD partners’ triggers and limits is of paramount importance. Knowing that your ADHD partner loves you but cannot help being distracted requires inner strength and a certain amount of self-soothing. This is where good communication makes all the difference.
If you are hitting a wall, couples counseling can help you get past it. The effects of ADHD extend out of the bedroom and into the home economy in the form of chores, financial responsibility, and other struggles. One person may feel they are carrying the heaviest burden because their ADHD partner isn’t present. This intensifies bedroom obstacles.
Behind every obstacle is a treasure chest. ADHD relationships are not easy, but they can be the most rewarding relationship you have ever been in with the right person. Wear your superhero capes proudly and hoist those freak flags, my lovelies.